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Weddings
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“The bridegroom ... was of less importance, in the public eye, than the bridal bouquet ...”
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“ A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.”
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“Your wedding will not be what you think it is going to be, no matter what you think it is going to be.”
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“What's really being celebrated at a modern wedding is female self-indulgence at its peak — and the acquisition of small, attractive European-designed appliances. ... unless you plan to become an egocentric movie star bitch-goddess, you will never again have the excuse to act like a monster and wear tulle at the same time.”
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“Planning your own coming-of-age experience may wither you prematurely, but just think of it this way: If you can get through this, childbirth should be a breeze.”
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“The most important thing, of course, is that you should look more stunning than you have ever looked in your life. How many excuses do you have to wear a dress bigger than anyone else's, at a party just for you, where everyone has to burst into tears from how gorgeous you look while you prance around in front of them? Remember, your lifelong happiness depends on this one article of clothing. If it doesn't look good, you're not a bride. You're just some idiot in a big white thing — a color unflattering to about 93 percent of the population.”
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“Remember when you were eleven years old and you thought how great it would be to get your period? And then you got it? That's what planning a wedding is like.”
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“It is tempting to think of your husband-to-be as just another bridal accessory. It may be easier for him to play along with this too. After all, you don't expect your shoes or your beaded bag to help you make decisions.”
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“[At the reception following her remarriage to Alan Campbell:] People who haven't talked to each other in years are on speaking terms again today — including the bride and groom.”
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“When in a wedding line, don't say to the bride and groom, 'I just hope you'll be as happy as we thought we'd be.'”
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“... get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.”
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“ A wedding is a funeral which masquerades as a feast. And the greater the pageantry, the deeper the savagery.”
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“Our wedding plans please everybody as if we were fertilizing the earth and creating social luck.”
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“A wedding isn't for the bride and groom, it's for the family and friends. The B. and G. are just props, silly stick figures with no more significance than the pink and white candy figures on the top of the cake.”
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“Then there is the obligatory offering, which reaches its apotheosis at a fashionable wedding. ... No sensitive person can walk round the tables set out at a big wedding without feeling that queer chill which is generated in the atmosphere by a large number of lifeless gifts which never had a soul.”
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“A wedding invitation is beautiful and formal notification of the desire to share a solemn and joyous occasion, sent by people who have been saying 'Do we have to ask them?' to people whose first response is 'How much do you think we have to spend on them?'”
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“Precision marching is less important for the bridal party than maintaining the proper facial expresssions: The bridegroom must look awed; the bridesmaids, happy and excited; the father of the bride, proud; and the bride, demure. If the bridegroom feels doubtful, the bridesmaids, sulky, the father, worried, and the bride, blasé, nobody wants to know.”
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“It doesn't matter whether the bride or the bridegroom writes the letters of thanks for wedding presents provided that these go out immediately after the arrival of each present and are not in the handwriting of the bride's mother.”
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“... mothers weep at their daughters' weddings, / everyone knows that, though / for whose youth one cannot say.”
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“ The organ pealed forth ... In every heart began to spring that exquisite hope, seldom if ever realized, that the bride will have had a fit, or eloped with someone else.”
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“I have just learned a delicious French usage. On wedding invitations when they say the mass is at noon they mean one o'clock --when they say at noon precise they mean half after twelve — and when they say at very precisely noon they mean noon.”
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“No man is in love when he marries. He may have loved before; I have even heard he has sometimes loved after: but at the time never. There is something in the formalities of the matrimonial preparations that drive away all the little cupidons.”
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“Like all weddings it had left the strange feeling of futility, the slight sense of depression that comes to English people who have tried, from their strong sense of tradition, to be festive and sentimental and in high spirits too early in the day.”
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“For a second marriage a lady has to content herself with a quiet ceremony in a chapel or at home, if she doesn't want to be married by a magistrate. Having, it is to be hoped, lost her right to white satin she wears a simple afternoon frock and hat.”
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“It used to be the custom for the bachelor dinner to take place the night before the wedding. Now, however, the bridesmaids' and ushers' dinner is usually on that night, for a groom realizes that he and his attendants need some time in which to recover sufficiently to be able to distinguish the altar from the organ and walk up the aisle with no mishaps.”
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“An invitation to be a bridesmaid is an honor which cannot be declined without some very good reason. Our idea of one of the better reasons is the impending arrival of a little stranger. ... any lady in this interesting condition should have the grace to refuse. We know that symbols of fertility are appropriate to the marriage ceremony, but they needn't be quite so obviously borne in on the congregation ...”
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“The wedding night! The comedies, the tragedies, the subterfuges, the unexpecteds, the misunderstandings, the surprises, and the joys! These are the unpublished stories of centuries.”
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“Weddings in our society seem designed to reduce the bride and groom to precisely the condition of those who, because they 'lack sufficient use of reason,' are 'incapable of contracting marriage,' according to canon law.”
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“I was a bridesmaid, wearing a puke green dress and a matching hat with a net veil. I looked like an exterminator.”
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“What the altar-bound of today end up buying from their numberless vendors is a dog's breakfast of bridal excess — part society wedding of the twenties, part Long Island Italian wedding of the fifties. It's The Philadelphia Story and The Wedding Singer served up together in one curious and costly buffet.”
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“A wedding is no way to begin a marriage.”
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“Everything costs a thousand dollars, except the things that cost more than a thousand dollars. That's information for anyone planning a wedding.”
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“My wedding was not mine, it was my mother's. Yours will be mine.”
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“... everything associated with weddings cost the same — a fortune.”
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“Asking your friend to be a bridesmaid is one of the modern paradoxes: no one actually wants to do it, but everyone would be offended if you didn't ask.”
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“The idea of Bridezilla gained common currency, and it was easy to understand why. Just about everyone knows someone, or knows of someone, whose wedding plans have taken on the proportions of a military operation, whose wedding costs have ballooned beyond economic prudence, and whose attention to wedding-day production values would put a Broadway set designer to shame.”
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“... each [bride] had encountered a wedding industry intent upon ensuring that her experience of being a bride — whatever else it meant to her, culturally and personally — amounted to a transformation into a new kind of consumer. Each had discovered that being a bride required an engagement with an industry that had interests very clearly at odds with her own and that depended for its economic health upon the perpetual spiraling upward of wedding-day expectations.”
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“[On her wedding expenses:] How many homeless people would this feed? Of how many countries does this exceed the gross domestic product?”
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“... the experience of the bride is only a particularly acute crystallization of the larger experience of all Americans, which is that of being immersed in a culture whose imperatives are derived more and more from the marketplace. ... when it comes to society at large, the American wedding — in all its excess and all its sentimentality — tells us what principles we are all married to.”
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“After our quick little ceremony, there were many rounds of drinks, paid for, I think, by me. The padre offered an excessively long toast that managed to reference Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, and Tarzan of the Apes. It was quite a feat. ”