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Maria Semple

  • Bernadette and her enthusiasm were like a hippo and water: get between them and you'll be trampled to death.

  • I can't tell you the number of times I've been in the middle of a perfunctory conversation, and someone will say, 'Tell us what you really think.' Or 'Maybe you should switch to decaf.'

  • After two days of heinous seasickness, I awoke in Antarctica. Out my window, three times as high as the ship, and twice as wide, was an iceberg. It was love at first sight. ... Ice. It's trippy, symphonies frozen, the unconscious come to life, and smacking of color: blue.

  • I'm not worried ... That's what ingenuity and insomnia are for.

  • Pain I'm good with. It's discomfort I can't handle.

  • As everybody knows, being raised Catholic with half a brain means becoming an atheist.

  • Today I will be my best self, the person I'm capable of being. Today will be different.

  • As far as I'm concerned, the only thing sweeter than seeing a friend is that friend canceling on me.

Maria Semple, U.S. writer, screenwriter


Full name: Maria Keogh Semple.