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Chelsea Handler

  • Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.

  • I once dated a guy for a couple of hours.

  • I invited myself back to his place. He accepted.

  • At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. ... Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

  • I ordered a double. He smiled at me in a way I'm assuming he thought was debonair and said, 'You know, you don't have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.' I wanted to tell him I was drinking so that he was more fun to be around.

  • I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

  • Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.

    • Chelsea Handler,
    • in Entertainment Weekly ()
  • When I was a little girl I was like, 'I'm gonna wait until I go to college to lose my virginity.' I had all these big dreams, and then the third grade just ended up being such a nutty year.

    • Chelsea Handler,
    • in Entertainment Weekly ()

Chelsea Handler, U.S. comedian, actor, writer, TV host, producer


Full name: Chelsea Joy Handler.