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“[On the first of many failed attempts to get pregnant:] The next morning I awoke with a smile and a craving for pickles and ice cream. I thought, 'Wow! Does it really happen that fast?' No. Unless you're 17, living at home, with a book report due.”
“I have one brother I borrowed so much money from he's like a human credit card. I go into a store with a picture of him and say, 'You take Fred?'”
“Probably the worst thing about being Jewish during Christmas-time is shopping in stores, because the lines are so long. They should have a Jewish express line: 'Look, I'm a Jew, it's not a gift. It's just paper towels!'”
“I read an article in a magazine: women 49 years old having their first child. Forty-nine! I couldn't think of a better way to spend my golden years. What's the advantage of having a kid at 49? So you can both be in diapers at the same time?”