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Elayne Boosler
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“Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.”
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“My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.”
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“If a woman gets nervous, she'll eat or go shopping. A man will attack a country — it's a whole other way of thinking.”
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“I have six locks on my door. They are all in a row. But when I go out I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there and picks the locks, they are always locking three.”
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“There's only one difference between Catholics and Jews. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.”
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“We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'”
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“I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.”
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“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.”
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“The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.”
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“I did see one new great brand: extra-super sensitive condoms. I thought, 'Wow! These must hang around and talk to you after the guy leaves!'”
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“I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?”
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“Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.'”
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“Have you noticed that if you leave laundry in the hamper long enough it's ready to wear again?”
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“My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.”
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“What do hookers do on their nights off, type?”
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“President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.”
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“Men are very strange. When they wake up they want breakfast. They don't eat candy in the morning like we do. They want things like toast. I don't have these recipes.”
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“Mr. Right is now a guy who hasn't been laid in fifteen years.”
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“People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.”
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“People are giving birth underwater now. They says it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.”
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“Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.”
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“Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.”
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“You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a pot belly and a bald spot.”
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“Guys in Manhattan have the worst lines to try to meet you. ... I'd be walking down the street in cut-offs, with a newspaper, cup of coffee and a dog. A guy would say, 'Hey, live around here?'”
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“I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.”
Elayne Boosler, U.S. comedian, animal rights activist
(1952)