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Cathy Guisewite
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“My heart always belongs to the one who doesn't want it.”
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“Sometimes the best Christmas present is remembering what you've already got.”
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“Small wastebasket liners, $1.17 ... tall wastebasket liners, $2.29 ... garbage can liners, $3.98 ... I think I just spent $7.44 buying something I'm going to throw away.”
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“There are self-awareness groups, to help you discover who you really are ... encounter groups, to help you deal with who you really are ... assertiveness training groups to help you stand up for who you really are ... Suddenly, the only way to become an individual is to join a group.”
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“I think equality should go even farther, Andrea. I want to be able to eat as much as men without getting fat.”
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“Wake me up when I'm a size 5.”
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“I can't tell my conscience from my insecurities.”
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“I was going to sip on a diet soda, but a little voice convinced me I needed the extra calcium from a cup of hot chocolate.”
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“There are only two secrets to a slimmer shape ... High heels and shoulder pads!”
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“Where's my tax form? Where's the file that's supposed to hold my W-2 form and interest statement? Where's the mileage log I specifically asked be kept last year?? Where's the monthly check summary? And who's been stuffing Visa receipts in the aluminum foil drawer??!! How embarrassing. I'm surrounded by idiots and I'm the only one in the office.”
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“So often, happiness is the extent to which we balance our grandiose expectations with reality.”
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“Now I'm searching for a slightly overweight, single, childless woman who doesn't have a date and isn't too depressing to be around. It's getting harder to find a girlfriend than a boyfriend.”
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“We both look very young! We'll always look young!! Aging: The lie that binds.”
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“One day, in 1982, for 15 minutes, my hair was perfect.”
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“After 14 years of dieting, there are only two things I've never lost. Hope and weight.”
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“I have too many wrinkles to have have this little money!!”
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“This is a business meal. The calories do not count. I am mentally labeling these as 'business calories' so my body will know they were eaten in the line of duty and will process them differently.”
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“Food ... love ... mother ... career ... Live every day to the fullest. Partake of the four basic guilt groups.”
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“I won't be in today, Mr. Pinkley. My hair won't start.”
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“I've found it's better to talk to the machine and hang up if I get the person.”
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“Men should come with instruction booklets.”
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“[On men:] I'm torn between wanting to have one and wanting to be one.”
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“I understand the sensitivities of grown children with little ones of their own!! They'll turn away a mother full of advice, but they'll never say no to one holding a mop.”
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“Men date. Women have relationships.”
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“Breaking up: It's so easy to return their possessions, but so hard to get our brain cells back.”
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“In the '80s, I thought I'd be a success as a woman if I were the president of a billion dollar company, had a sensitive soul-mate husband, two bilingual children, buns of steels, and a compost heap. In the '90s, I pretty much feel I'm a success if I can get through the afternoon without eating a cheesecake.”
Cathy Guisewite, U.S. cartoonist
(1950)
Full name: Cathy Lee Guisewite.