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Wendy Liebman
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“People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them ... Well it's killing me.”
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“My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.”
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“I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.”
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“The only way to really have safe sex is to abstain. From drinking.”
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“I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like, how did my mother know that?”
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“In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.”
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“My license plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me off.”
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“I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.”
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“When my fiance proposed it was very romantic. He turned off the TV. Well, he muted it. During the commercial.”
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“I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.”
Wendy Liebman, U.S. comedian
(1961)