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Merrill Markoe

  • The day is divided into two important sections: Mealtimes and everything else.

  • ... I sometimes look into the face of my dog Stan and see wistful sadness and existential angst, when all he is actually doing is slowly scanning the ceiling for flies.

  • We are pretty sure that we and our pets share the same reality, until one day we come home to find that our wistful, intelligent friend who reminds us of our better self has decided a good way to spend the day is to open a box of Brillo pads, unravel a few, distribute some throughout the house, and eat or wear all the rest. And we shake our heads in an inability to comprehend what went wrong here.

  • It's just like magic. When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!!

  • ... our culture is definitely the eighth grade. It's run by eighth-grade boys, and the way these boys show a girl they like her is by humiliating her and making her cry.

  • It's surely no accident that there are horoscopes in Vogue, Glamour, Mademoiselle, Woman, New Woman, Elle and Cosmo ... but not Sports Illustrated, GQ, Esquire, Field & Stream or Guns & Ammo.

  • Men, as a general rule, shy away from therapy because there is no obvious way to keep score.

  • Men who have a lot of charm have it in place of something real that you are eventually going to want from them and find that they do not have.

  • ... my mother ... took the fact that my taste differed from hers as a personal insult.

    • Merrill Markoe,
    • in Michael J. Rosen, ed., Mirth of a Nation ()
  • They were soul mates, my mother and father. They claimed to adore each other, as if the word 'adore' meant 'argue with ceaselessly.'

  • My dogs, the only creatures on the planet marked by my singular nurturing imprint, have all turned out to be rude and self-absorbed. In all likelihood, if they were children instead of dogs, I would have foisted more Charlie Sheens or Kardashians onto our crumbling culture.

    • Merrill Markoe,
    • "Why I Never Had a Kid," in Henriette Mantel, ed., No Kidding: Women Writing on Bypassing Parenthood ()
  • ... whenever I encountered a slide show titled 'Eight Diet Foods That Pack on the Pounds' or 'Celebrity Fashion Fails,' I’d have to stop and investigate because hey, it might be information I’d need in some unforeseeable future where I had become, for some reason, a fat celebrity.

    • Merrill Markoe,
    • in The New York Times ()

Merrill Markoe, U.S. writer, TV writer, comedian