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Roseanne Barr
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“... I'm just into spirituality. I believe that in a previous life I used to be Shirley MacLaine.”
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“I used to think I was an interesting person, but I must tell you how sobering a thought it is to realize your life's story fills about thirty-five pages and you have, actually, not much to say.”
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“Being nuts is its own reward.”
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“You must never be afraid in New York City, because then you will call bad stuff to you and you will not like it there.”
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“My grandmother ... came here, not only like so many others because of the streets 'being paved with gold' and all, but because she wanted to leave the place where the streets were paved with people who had not gone to America.”
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“I have a job to do while I am on this planet in this incarnation: To attempt to break every social norm, turn it back on itself and see that it is laughed at.”
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“They try to kill, or silence everyone who says they know how to save the world. You might be one who does know, but you're not really in any danger, unless you tell them that you know. That's how they figure that you're nuts, you tell them that you know how to save the world. Then they'll get you, unless you're particularly clever about it, and say that you're a poet, songwriter, writer, comedian, storyteller, artist, or whatever. Then they will tolerate you, because they'll just think you're controllable, because you obviously still care about money. And when you still care about money, you're part of the world. You don't really want to save it — you're OK.”
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“Whatever helps you sleep is my opinion on the subject, and that's what I like about the western world's most popular religion, it has helped put so many people to sleep, although most of them permanently and without their approval.”
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“Everyone in America (according to my generalizations) is a potential millionaire waiting for his or her big break. I was astonished lately to realize that Americans are definitely believing in and planning for the future, despite the fact that they elected Ronald Reagan twice.”
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“If we were to see one flying woman, we would / instantly / know how to rise and join her — / for she could speak to us in our own tongue / with the magic instructions ... ”
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“The only options open for girls then were of course mother, secretary or teacher. At least that's what we all thought and were preparing ourselves for. Now, I must say how lucky we are, as women, to live in an age where 'Dental Hygienist' has been added to the list.”
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“I had left home (like all Jewish girls) in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband, I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny, finally and ultimately sated ... But enough about the pork.”
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“If I were Her what would really piss me off the worst is that they cannot even get My gender right for Christsakes. ”
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“Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.”
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“Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with. I think every woman should be fat like me.”
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“I hate being called a housewife. I prefer being called a domestic goddess.”
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“Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house.”
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“My husband asked me to be more aggressive in bed, so I shouted, 'NO!'”
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“I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.”
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“They say lesbians hate men. How can they? They don't have to fuck them.”
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“My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.”
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“Here is my personal opinion about prostitution. If men knew how to do it, they wouldn't have to pay for it.”
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“My best friend Linda is leaving her husband just because he is unfaithful to her. That is no reason to leave the person. I feel like after that, you should stay with them and make sure that the rest of their life is sheer hell.”
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“ Me and my husband just found a new method of birth control that really works. Every night before we go to bed, we spend an hour with our kids.”
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“The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.”
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“I figure when my husband comes home at night, if those kids are still alive, hey, I've done my job.”
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“Being a mom is rewarding. You've got all these little people and you could really mess up their heads forever. Only moms can say stuff like, 'Don't talk with your mouth full. Answer me!'”
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“ I'm on the mirror diet. You eat all your food in front of a mirror in the nude. It works pretty good, though some of the fancier restaurants don't go for it.”
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“My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that.”
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“ You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park.”
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“The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. ... I cared the most.”
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“My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.”
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“... my parents ... had decided early on that all of the problems in my family had somehow to do with me. All roads led to Roseyville, a messy, chaotic town where, as parents, they were required to visit, but could never get out of quick enough or find a decent parking place.”
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“When it came to chit-chat, he made Silas Marner look like Arsenio Hall.”
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“He'd never laugh at my jokes. ... I was a woman, meaning my relationship with humor should have been as an object, not a perpetrator. ”
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“Everything was the woman's fault, according to Bill and his mother. She was Phyllis Schlafly without the humor and the nice clothes.”
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“Hollywood is the only place on earth that has more vampires, more undead, more resurrections than a month of Easter Sundays.”
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“... two things do me in: one's chocolate cake, the other's hypocrisy.”
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“TV is a language all its own, a land of one dimensional stereotypes that destroys culture, not adds to it. TV is anti-art, a reflection of consumerism that serves the power structure. TV is about demographics.”
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“ I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.”
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“I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset that I'm not a widow. ”
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“I try to tell people to keep having hope. It's always what you don't know and don't expect that's gonna be so great.”
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“I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.”
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“It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.”
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“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
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“You know what, when I was thin, I thought there was a fat girl trying to get out of me.”
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“My husband and I didn't sign a prenuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.”
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“I didn't know that being in a relationship meant you had to be nice. I thought it meant you had to hack away at the other person until they were beaten down and then were too afraid to leave.”
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“I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.”
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“... the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: 'Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?' Like he can't go over and lift up that sofa cushion himself?”
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“A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad. How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?”
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“I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool.”
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“Most of the books call Her a He, but I am able to ascertain what is meant, despite that semantic error..”
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“... politics and religion in the United States work like the twin grips of a pair of pliers on a critical mass of the masses.”
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“... my family really stuck out in Utah: We had only the one mother!”
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“Eating cookies that you bake with your grandmother is one of the greatest social steps one must experience in order to grow up into a decent world citizen, in my opinion.”
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“Without democracy in our homes, we will never have it in the world.”
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“Diets are a temporary solution to a permanent problem.”
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“I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?!”
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“... men do some things better, like reading maps, because only the male mind can conceive of one inch equalling one hundred miles.”
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“Suddenly, people had three phone numbers but never answered their phones. ”
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“I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.”
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“It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.”
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“ I think I'm a pretty good judge of people, which is why I hate most of them.”
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“I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.”
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“I know how to do anything — I'm a mom.”
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“In lovemaking, what he lacked in size, he made up for in speed.”
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“There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.”
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“ The thing women have got to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it.”
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“My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had.”
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“ Beauty comes in all sizes — not just size 5.”
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“I want to be the girl in Indiana Jones. I would love to do an adventure movie where I was saving the world. It might be cool if I used a lot of kitchen tools to fight off the enemy.”
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“A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.”
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“... I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I'd like to commune with other things — like room service and temperature control.”
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“I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”
Roseanne Barr, U.S. comedian, actor, producer, writer, activist
(1952)
She was also Roseanne Arnold for a time.