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Stephanie Brush
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“There are a lot of great things about not being married. But one of the worst things is no one believes that.”
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“It's true that living alone for years makes you eccentric. I talk to my cat. Why lie? Over the years I've developed the habit of actually answering myself, in the cat's voice (or what I imagine her voice to be).”
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“Some women insist that pets, and even fine furniture, can fill the same function as men in one's life. Many women swear by cats. Actually, cats are much more difficult than men. Men do not give you small rodents as kiss-and-make-up gifts, men do not try to eat everything smaller than they are, and men do not require tiny little doors just to be let out of the house.”
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“The main reason to live with a man: You will never have to go on dates again.”
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“It will take your mother approximately two and a half years to learn the name of the guy you're living with. (She's doing it to hurt you. Just so you know.)”
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“A surgeon is as close as a man can get to being God. A heart surgeon doesn't even deign to be interested in being God. It would involve a cut in pay.”
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“No two people have the same ideas about how often to take out the trash, how often to dry-clean the slipcovers, how many fingerprints on a windowpane definitely constitute 'filth.'”
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“A woman with a good sense of humor is not a woman who makes jokes. A woman with a good sense of humor is a woman who laughs at jokes.”
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“You have to understand that men can be awfully sluggish about making decisions of the heart. Remember, please, that evolution is a slow process. Amphibians didn't exactly decide to become reptiles. One day, one brave, scaly green guy took a long walk on land and cautiously said, 'Okay, okay, I can handle this.' That's how life science is.”
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“We mistakenly feel that the point of arguing is to win. And it's not. The point of arguing is to argue.”
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“[On Italian men:] They feel they're the only men whose pants fit properly.”
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“Money is what causes wrinkles. (Little kids don't have money, do they? And they don't have wrinkles.)”
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“If you have been having 'sexual problems' lately, you have probably been too embarrassed to talk about them, except to six or seven close friends at a public restaurant, or in a department store buying porch furniture.”
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“It used to be that if you were having marital difficulties (read 'humiliating sex problems'), you and your mate would go to visit a clergyman who was wise, avuncular, and a trusted member of the community. But sometimes sitting face to face with this awfully familiar person could be embarrassing. Could you really look him in the eye while wearing little white gloves and singing 'A Mighty Fortress Is Our God,' afterward? That's why modern people in the know choose to go cry in front of a total stranger with a master's from NYU, who keeps looking at his watch.”
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“A therapist paraphrases the things you say, in a way that makes you realize how much more intelligent he is than you.”
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“A therapist lays bare the 'inner workings' of your relationship. Who wields the power? Who is the 'Parent'? Who is the 'Fascist'? Who is the 'Big Cheese'? Who is the 'Cottage Cheese'? Who is the 'Little Tomato'?”
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“I should warn you that, aside from being unattractive, therapy is also very expensive. You and your man will have to decide how you are going to pay for the sessions. Should it be the one who's 'craziest'? the one who's 'richest'? the 'eternal loser'? your parents? (Often a popular choice.)”
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“Women sometimes sort of like the dentist, if the truth be told. Here's a guy with immaculately clean hands, standing with his pelvis pressed against your beating heart. He is talking to you in a soothing voice, gently wiping your cheeks, looking into your eyes, saying things like, 'Great, you're doing just great ... ' and he gives you drugs whenever you want them. Admit it. This is ten times more pleasant than most of the dates you've had in recent years.”
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“Most forward-thinking Caribbean airlines now put the following information on your ticket, in order to ease confusion: The destination to which they are sending you. The destination to which they are sending your luggage.”
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“Traveling with a man, you are bound to make at least one Important Discovery. Sometimes it's that you are living with a total stranger. Or, sometimes, it's that he's living with a total stranger. But you would not find these things out if the two of you just sat home all the time.”
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“All male roommates first thing in the morning look rumpled and adorable. All female roommates at 7:30 in the morning look like Lon Chaney. No one knows why this is true, but it is.”
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“... men don't mind cooking per se, as long as they don't have to use a cookbook. Cookbooks are for sissies. And the books are always ordering you to 'puree this' or 'saute that.' A man looks at that and says, 'Oh, yeah? Who's gonna make me?'”
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“[When asked if men are really superior to women in any way:] In some areas. For example, most men can throw a softball or a large rock farther than a woman can, and on that basis alone it's obvious men deserve to be president of AT&T.”
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“Men want love just as much as women do. Yes, I know it's hard to believe, especially when the greatest compliment your guy can muster is that you're a vast improvement over the years he spent in the dark watching midget wrestling on TV.”
Stephanie Brush, U.S. writer
(1955)