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Lizz Winstead

  • I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.'

  • One of the first things Catholic school taught me is that babies were born sinners. You sucked before you took your first breath.

  • My curiosity is not a choice. It's always been part of me. I think of it as a vital organ.

  • By some fluke, my folks forgot to ask me the question most crucial to ensuring a lifetime of self-doubt: 'What if you fail?'

  • And home pregnancy tests? They are so last century. Nowadays, I think there's an app that calls your iPhone to warn you that if you finish that third cosmo, you may wind up with a wombmate.

  • Nebraska is proof that hell is full and the dead are walking the earth.

  • I think, therefore I'm single.

  • ... before the Internet and speed dating, blind dates were the gold standard of unrealistic attempts at forced intimacy.

  • I rely on my personality for birth control.

    • Lizz Winstead
  • I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

    • Lizz Winstead

Lizz Winstead, U.S. comedian, radio/TV personality

(1961)