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Paula Poundstone

  • [On being broke and unable to reclaim her clothes from the dry cleaner:] It's like, the clothes are in jail. I go in every so often and say, 'Could I just see the pants?'

    • Paula Poundstone,
    • in Judy Carter, Stand-Up Comedy: The Book ()
  • My parents did a really scary thing recently. They bought a Winnebago. This means they can pull up in front of my house anytime now and just live there.

    • Paula Poundstone,
    • in Michael Cader, That's Funny! ()
  • I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.

    • Paula Poundstone,
    • in Michael Cader, That's Funny! ()
  • One time I was working a nightclub and had to park far away. I'm walking to the club past a garage door with one of those signs. 'Don't Even Think About Parking Here.' Like people aren't tense enough about the parking thing. Someone has to put up a smartass sign, 'Don't Even Think About Parking Here.' I tell you what. I stood there and thought about it. I did. I threw some pebbles up there to get their attention. 'Look. I'm thinking about it. Go ahead, call the cops and see if I care. I'll tell them I'm thinking about something else.'

    • Paula Poundstone,
    • in Michael Cader, That's Funny! ()
  • The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

    • Paula Poundstone,
    • in Arline Bleecker, The Secret Life of Cats ()
  • The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

    • Paula Poundstone,
    • in Howard J. Bennett, The Doctor's Book of Humorous Quotations ()
  • My mother told me that she learned to swim when someone took her out in a boat to the middle of the lake and threw her overboard. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you to swim.'

  • We now have ten cats, a big stupid dog, two tadpoles, a bearded dragon lizard, and a bunny. I'm going to be honest with you. I'd been drunk in that pet store before, and I don't want to play the victim here, but I believe they knew and I believe they took advantage. Does anybody else's pet store have a wine section? It seems unusual to me.

  • I buy impulsively sometimes, totally forgetting what I look like and how I spend my time.

  • ... I don't like sex ... I'm a single working mom with nine cats, a dog-shark, a lizard, and a bunny. I don't go to bed, I pass out. The idea that I'd get to my bed and there'd be someone in there with whom I was supposed to have an activity is horrifying to me.

  • I'm an atheist. The good news about atheists is that we have no mandate to convert anyone. So you'll never find me on your doorstep on a Saturday morning with a big smile, saying, 'Just stopped by to tell you there is no word. I brought along this little blank book I was hoping you could take a look at.'

  • My parents got carried away with the letter P when they were naming the kids in our family. There's me, Paula, my sisters Peggy and Patty, and my brother Pjimmy, spelled with a silent P.

  • The wages of sin are death, but of course, with taxes taken out, it'd just be kind of a tired feeling.

  • I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's key to the whole thing there. I go in every few weeks and guess.

    • Paula Poundstone
  • I happen to be a devout atheist. I don't believe in God. I still go to church — I'm not a heathen. I go to an atheist church. We have crippled guys who stand up and testify that they were crippled, and they still are.

    • Paula Poundstone
  • Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

    • Paula Poundstone
  • I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen. ... People all the time complained about the service. We weren't slow. The floors were sticky.

    • Paula Poundstone
  • I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.

    • Paula Poundstone
  • Librarians have stood up to the Patriot Act, sat down with noisy toddlers, and reached out to illiterate adults. Libraries can never be shushed. If you haven't been to your library lately, you're over-due.

    • Paula Poundstone,
    • in Library Hotline ()

Paula Poundstone, U.S. comedian