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Mae West
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“For her, morals did not exist. She would not have known what a moral was if it could be made to dance naked in front of her.”
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“Men would wither and custom stale them, but diamonds! Ah, they were crystallized immortality!”
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“Diamonds talk, and I can stand listenin' to 'em often.”
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“I like a man what takes his time.”
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“... she wondered why it was that saving one's soul was always made so dreary and unattractive, whereas the way to Hell was always so utterly delightful.”
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“In her voice was the despair that only youth can feel and only once in a lifetime — the first time!”
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“Reason was nowhere, time was an immovable object nailed high on the wall, except where the world kept shop.”
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“... what's life good fer anyhow? The minute you crawl into the world for no good reason of yer own, it's got you licked four ways from the ace.”
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“I always did like a man in uniform. And that one fits you grand. Why don't you come up sometime and see me?”
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“[Replying to the remark, 'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!'] Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie.”
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“Come up 'n' see me sometime.”
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“I've been things and seen places.”
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“Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. ”
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“When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.”
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“Peel me a grape, Beulah!”
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“It is better to be looked over than overlooked.”
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“A man in the house is worth two in the street.”
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“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
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“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”
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“Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.”
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“I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.”
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“I don't know much about politics, but I know a good party man when I see one.”
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“I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.”
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“I looked out of the train window and all I could see was rain and fog. 'I know I'm going to love Manchester,' I told Jim, 'if I can only see it.'”
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“The bite of existence did not cut into one in Hollywood ... Life elsewhere was real and slippery and struggled in the arms like a big fish dying in air.”
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“Success is a two-bladed golden sword; it knights one and stabs one at the same time.”
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“... love is banality to all outsiders.”
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“[On the metaphysical:] ... I knew in some marvelous way I had touched the hem of the unknown. And being me, I wanted to lift that hemline a little bit more.”
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“Money is of value for what it buys, and in love it buys time, place, intimacy, comfort, and a private corner alone.”
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“... men are not realists — only women are.”
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“I never set out to make men a career; it just happened that way.”
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“... all pleasures should be taken in great leisure and are worth going into in detail; love is not like eating a quick lunch with one's hat on.”
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“Hollywood was like a mouse being followed by a cat called television.”
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“Sometimes it seems to me I've known so many men that the FBI ought to come to me first to compare fingerprints.”
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“... too much of a good thing can be wonderful.”
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“Sex is an emotion in motion.”
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“Women are as old as they feel, and men are old when they lose their feelings.”
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“ I believe in the single standard for men and women.”
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“In my long and colorful career, one thing stands out: I have been misunderstood.”
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“It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.”
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“She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.”
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“It's not the men in my life that counts — it's the life in my men.”
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“All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.”
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“Ice is nice at any price.”
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“He who hesitates is last.”
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“I'm single because I was born that way.”
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“I've always had a weakness for foreign affairs.”
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“You can say what you like about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.”
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“Personally, I like two types of men — domestic and foreign.”
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“[On her first marriage at 17:] I wasn't in love with him. I told him, 'It's just this physical thing. You don't appeal to my finer instincts.'”
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“When it comes to finances, remember that there are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin.”
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“You ought to get out of those wet clothes and into a dry Martini.”
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“Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”
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“The best way to hold a man is in your arms.”
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“Hiring someone to write your autobiography is like hiring someone to take a bath for you.”
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“A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.”
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“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.”
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“When you think about it, what other playwrights are there besides O'Neill, Tennessee and me?”
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“Joe always had plenty of protectors. But I learned about another way, too. You tied a piece of sponge on a silk string. Attached, see? Yuh wet the sponge in warm water before puttin' it in. Afterward you pulled it out and washed it.”
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“[On a lover getting a doctor for her:] His mistake was the doctor he called was as excitin' and magnetic as himself. So I needed the doc's services quite often 'n' my recovery was unusually slow. Naturally I didn't get a bill, know what I mean?”
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“Good theater is not what is expected, but what surprises.”
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“It was love on the run with half the buttons undone. The results were like a high-speed film — blurred but excitin'.”
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“When a girl goes wrong, men usually go right after her.”
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“[To the angry actor who told Mae, 'You forget I've been an actress for forty years':] Don't worry, dear, I'll keep your secret.”
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“Virtue has its own reward but not at the box office.”
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“Marriage? I ain't got time for a husband or child. All my life I've looked after myself as if I was my own child.”
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“I like a man who's good, but not too good. The good die young and I hate a dead one.”
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“... I've always taken men just as I found 'em, and thank heavens I've been able to find 'em.”
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“I've been in Who's Who, 'n I know what's what, but it's the first time I ever made a dictionary.”
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“It takes two to get one in trouble.”
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“I'm glad you like my Catherine. I like her, too. She ruled thirty million people and had three thousand lovers. I do the best I can in two hours.”
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“I feel like a million tonight — but one at a time.”
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“I've been on more laps than a napkin.”
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“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
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“I'm no angel, but I've spread my wings a bit.”
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“I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.”
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“So many men, so little time!”
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“Censorship made me.”
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“You're never too old to become younger.”
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“You gotta get up early in the morning to catch a fox and stay up late at night to get a mink.”
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“Marriage is like a book. The whole story takes place between covers.”
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“I'm for peace — I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say, 'I've just had a good war.'”
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“She may be good for nothing, but she's not bad for nothing.”
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“Everything's in the mind. That's where it all starts. Knowing what you want is the first step toward getting it.”
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“I believe in censorship. After all, I made a fortune out of it.”
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“Your real security is yourself. You know you can do it, and they can't ever take that away from you.”
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“A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.”
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“If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.”
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“The censors wouldn't even let me sit on a guy's lap, and I've been on more laps than a table-napkin.”
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“Poor Mary Ann! She gave the guy an inch and now he thinks he's a ruler.”
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“He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.”
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“I go for two kinds of men. The kind with muscles, and the kind without.”
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“A hard man is good to find.”
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“A good man is hard to find — but you'll mostly find him asleep.”
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“Some men are all right in their place — if they only knew the right places!”
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“Love conquers all things — except poverty and toothache.”
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“I never loved another person the way I loved myself.”
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“To err is human — but it feels divine.”
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“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day — and another, in case it doesn't rain.”
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“A man’s kiss is his signature.”
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“A man's kiss is his signature.”
Mae West, U.S. actor, playwright, screenwriter, comedian
(1892 - 1980)
Full name: Mary Jane West. She occasionally wrote under Jane Mast. A number of quotations attributed to Mae West are difficult to pin down; use with caution.