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Marilyn Suzanne Miller

  • The term middle-aged, invented by Descartes, comes from the Latin, medeus, meaning 'not really old' and ageis, meaning 'if you look at it in a certain way.'

  • Middle Age connotes fat, cancer, bad musical taste, and death. It conjures up a commuter in the sixties going to a Neil Simon play in Sansabelt pants, a knit vest, balding, belly sagging — and then there's the men.

  • Middle Age, a restful, welcome break from real life, brings some unique opportunities.

  • [On middle age:] ... the very real possibility for you of growing fat as you near death and thus being seen by everyone while you are both DEAD AND FAT ...

  • Youth, then, once ballyhooed as the epicenter of fun, hot dogs, hot sex, and marvelous dope-smoking good times, is now defined as follows: that period before death, characterized by smooth skin and ill-formed ideas.

  • Dating is a social brain teaser, as it requires constantly changing ratios of intimacy and distance, an erotic mental cha-cha choreographed by chemistry, insight, and fear.

  • Different portions of the brain all look for information (sexual, intuitive, practical), through modes so torturous, a first date can feel like a cross between having a pelvic examination while applying for a small business loan. First dates should require anesthesia, and in some states they do.

  • ... think of a date as a trip to the library when you were little: you hoped you'd find some library books, which you hoped you'd like enough to go home with. Of course, that wasn't followed by the library books then never calling you, or you Star-Sixty-Nining every hang-up in case it may be one of the library books, or later, trying to get over the library books, going through the dreaded 'grieving process for the library books,' and still later, the 'healing process from the library books.'

  • You may wonder: how do I overcome the common 'Cute/Insane Conundrum,' as it occurs in men ... Yes, it's a fact — any man who seems cute, fabulous, and incredible to you will, of course, turn out to be insane.

  • Estrogen is a powerful if vengeful hormone affecting a woman's fertility, moods, sleep patterns, appetite. Estrogen is the household heating oil of womanhood.

  • Invented long ago by a man, the diaphragm is a good, if completely ridiculous, method of birth control, whose safety is without peer, but whose hilarious method of operation seems like something made up by the Playtex Rubber Gloves company in cahoots with Martin Short. ... Also, as is often the case with things involving the vagina, proper insertion is crucial.

Marilyn Suzanne Miller, U.S. writer, producer