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Puns

  • Youth is stranger than fiction.

  • To heir is human.

  • When raising rabbits, it doesn't take long to get double your bunny back.

  • Puns are often unacceptable to the feelings; they come like a spoonful of ice-cream in the midst of a comfortable smoking-hot steak, or as a peppery morsel when your palate was in expectation of a mild pudding.

  • Family picnics are made up of parents, children, sisters, cousins, and ants.

  • Absence makes the heart grow fonder; presents make it grow even fonder.

  • And I'll stay off Verlaine too; he was always chasing Rimbauds.

  • Any stigma will do to beat a dogma.

  • Anthologists are lazy fellows who like to spend a quiet evening at home raiding good books.

  • [To a snobbish young man who said 'I can't bear fools':] That's queer. Your mother could.

  • [On an actor who'd broken her leg in London:] Oh, how terrible. She must have done it sliding down a barrister.

  • People who live in stone houses should never throw glasses.

  • One man's fish is another man's poisson.

  • Every dogma must have its day.

    • Carolyn Wells,
    • "Inexpensive Cynicisms," Folly for the Wise ()
  • A profit is not without honor save in Boston.

    • Carolyn Wells,
    • "Inexpensive Cynicisms," Folly for the Wise ()
  • Give the neighbors' kids an inch and they'll take the whole yard.

  • Too many cooks spoil the brothel.

  • Thou canst not serve both cod and salmon.

  • I prefer to remain anomalous.

  • The wages of Gin is Debt.

    • Ethel Watts Mumford,
    • in Oliver Herford, Ethel Watts Mumford, and Addison Mizner, The Complete Cynic ()
  • Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

    • Ethel Watts Mumford,
    • in Oliver Herford, Ethel Watts Mumford, and Addison Mizner, The Complete Cynic ()
  • Life Insurance Motto — Robbing the widows early and orphan.

    • Ethel Watts Mumford,
    • in Oliver Herford, Ethel Watts Mumford, and Addison Mizner, The Complete Cynic ()
  • ... a girl can have two beaus to her string, can't she?

  • ... 'tis better to have loved and lust than never to have loved at all.

  • He was popular with the party. He had plenty of money to contribute to campaign expenses, and he contributed with a lavish hand. ... eventually he just got tired of making an asset of himself.

  • A sense of humor is regarded as a sign of mental health — apart from excessive punning, which is another matter entirely.

  • It is better to have loved a small man than never to have loved a tall.

    • Mary Jo Crowley,
    • in Melvin Helitzer and Mark Shatz, Comedy Writing Secrets ()
  • [To waiter who had spilled soup on her:] Never darken my Dior again!

  • [When forbidden to sing 'She sits among the cabbages and peas':] She sits among the cabbages and leaks.

  • The transaction between writer and reader is human civilization's most dazzling feat, yet it's such a part of our lives that it's, well, prosaic.

  • ... one learns to keep silent and draw one's own confusions.

  • We waltzed Lisztlessly.

  • To heir is human.

    • Dolores E. McGuire,
    • in Jill Williams, ed., Quick Notes and Fast Quotes for Every Occasion ()
  • An occasional pun can be forgiven, in good society, but the man or woman who makes one on every other word is a nuisance, and the soul will rise up in arms against the infliction.

  • A pun, like champagne, loses its sparkle when too long drawn out. Its flash is its savor.

    • Harriet Hosmer,
    • in Cornelia Carr, ed., Harriet Hosmer: Letters and Memories ()
  • We do not claim that punning is legitimate wit. Wit consists in combination of ideas, punning in combination of words only. We wonder at the one, but we laugh at the drollery of the other — as the world goes a pun is regarded as an imponderable commodity, all know the rank it holds in the order of pure intellect.

    • Harriet Hosmer,
    • in Cornelia Carr, ed., Harriet Hosmer: Letters and Memories ()
  • [After borrowing four stamps:] Alas! I've justly earned a name / Which most the honest dread, / Four times convicted to my shame, / Under a separate head. / With others' goods and chattels, I / Feloniously decamped, / And by that act, cannot deny, / My character is stamped. / But what is worse, from near and far / The fatal truth is spread; / Such things stick fast to one, and are / As soon as published read. / But yet the little I can do, I haste to do, my friend, / For fourpence I received from you, / And four puns here I send.

    • Harriet Hosmer,
    • in Cornelia Carr, ed., Harriet Hosmer: Letters and Memories ()