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In-Laws

  • Heredity: the thing a child gets from the other side of the family.

  • Everything was the woman's fault, according to Bill and his mother. She was Phyllis Schlafly without the humor and the nice clothes.

  • Mary, the Lord gives us our children; but Somebody Else gives us our in-laws!

  • ... she felt, as mothers have been apt to feel since sons began to choose wives — that her son's choice was a repudiation of the influences which had surrounded him ever since he was born!


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  • Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream — I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.


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  • A friend of mine had her baby on the way to the hospital, and the comment of her mother-in-law was, 'Everything happens to George.'

  • Marry orphans or immigrants.

  • ... a mother-in-law's praise says more in a woman's favor than anything else in the world.

  • If there's anythin' on earth that can be more tryin' than any kind of relative, I don't know what it is, but relatives by marriage comes first — easy.

  • The quickest way to make your in-laws hate you is to begin by hating your in-laws.

  • It's not that we didn't get along, it's just that my mother-in-law is very objective. She objected to everything I did.

  • No matter how closely you try to duplicate his mother's 'secret recipe' for pumpkin pie, yours will never be as good. His mother's 'secret recipe' for pumpkin pie can usually be found on the back of the can.

    • Lisa Cofield,
    • in Lisa Cofield, Debbie Dingerson, and Leah Rush, Mrs. Murphy's Laws ()
  • [On husbands and their mothers:] Go easy on your husband. Of course his mom knows how to push all his buttons — she's the one who installed them.

  • [When asked if she wanted her daughter to marry for money:] I want her to marry a boy who wants to make money and who is fabulous to his mother-in-law, who'll say to her, 'Oh, Melissa, please let your mother come along on our honeymoon — just this once.

    • Joan Rivers,
    • in Nancy Collins, "Funniest Lady," People ()
  • [On her mother-in-law:] Hortense is the only woman I know who pronounces the word 'egg' with three syllables.