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Dating

  • 'What about her Future?' Future, as she pronounced it, was spelled with a capital F and was a thin disguise for the word husband.

  • When someone asks, 'Why do you think he's not calling me?' there's always one answer — 'He's not interested.' There's not ever any other answer.

  • In an age where the lowered eyelid is just a sign of fatigue, the delicate game of love is pining away. Freud and flirtation are poor companions.

  • The art of flirtation is dying. A man and woman are either in love these days or just friends. In the realm of love, reticence and sophistication should go hand in hand, for one of the joys of life is discovery. Nowadays, instead of progressing from vous to tu, from Mister to Jim, it's 'darling' and 'come to my place' in the first hour.

  • Flirtation is merely an expression of considered desire coupled with an admission of its impracticability.

  • ... flirtation ... is a graceful salute to sex, a small impermanent spark between one human being and another, between a man and a woman not in need of fire.

  • ... if the right man does not come along, there are many fates far worse. One is to have the wrong man come along.

  • I have no-fail chemistry. A guy turns me on, he's the wrong one for me.

  • I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along — but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

  • My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

    • Rita Rudner,
    • in Julia Klein, "The New Stand-Up Comics," Ms. ()
  • If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children' — they leave skid marks.

  • I was playing tennis with a man I had been dating for a while and noticed his reluctance to keep score properly. He couldn't say, 'Thirty-love.' He kept saying, 'Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.'

  • Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

  • When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

    • Rita Rudner,
    • in Trevor Hunt, ed., Words From the Stars ()
  • A good place to meet men is at the dry cleaner's. These men have jobs and usually bathe.

    • Rita Rudner,
    • in Trevor Hunt, ed., Words From the Stars ()
  • There is no such thing as an ideal man. The ideal man is the man you love at the moment.

  • It is usually true that 'a good son makes good husband,' but don't risk your happiness upon a maxim.

  • ... the brother that gets me is going to get one hell of a fabulous woman.

  • The only thing a whirlwind courtship does is blow dust in everyone's eyes.

  • Mr. Right's coming, but he's in Africa, and he's walking!

    • Oprah Winfrey,
    • in Tuchy Palmieri, Oprah, In Her Words: Our American Princess ()
  • I will not go out with a man who wears more jewelry than me, and I'll never, ever go to bed with a guy who calls me Babe. Other than that, however, I'm real flexible.

  • If you're willing to travel, or just super-desperate, the best place in the world to meet unattached men is on the Alaska pipeline. I'm told that the trek through the frozen tundra is well worth the effect for any woman who wants to know what it feels like to be Victoria Principal.

  • As we move closer and closer to a nonsexist world, women will have an equal opportunity as men to be rejected, embarrassed, and humiliated beyond all consolation.

  • It's surely one of the strange phenomena of this decade that the most thoughtful gift you can bring a date is not flowers, chocolates, or ankle-length pearls, but a note from your doctor.

  • ... the three most common myths of modern romance: 1. Single men would prefer being married. 2. Married men actually leave their wives. 3. Men who wear gold chains give gold rings.

  • 'Who wrote the book of love' we all wonder. 'And why are there so many typos?'

  • Single people slip out of the dating market for many social, economic, psychological, and ideological reasons including marriage, illness, bankruptcy, job promotion, exhaustion, and common sense. Inevitably, however, they return because of divorce, boredom, loneliness, and memory loss.

  • 'You seem to be reacting to your boyfriend as if he were your father,' your shrink may say stonily (unless she is a strict Freudian, in which case she'll shut up and wait until you think of it yourself, a process that usually takes ten years. This is why strict Freudians have such lovely summer houses).

  • Dating is a social brain teaser, as it requires constantly changing ratios of intimacy and distance, an erotic mental cha-cha choreographed by chemistry, insight, and fear.

  • Different portions of the brain all look for information (sexual, intuitive, practical), through modes so torturous, a first date can feel like a cross between having a pelvic examination while applying for a small business loan. First dates should require anesthesia, and in some states they do.

  • ... think of a date as a trip to the library when you were little: you hoped you'd find some library books, which you hoped you'd like enough to go home with. Of course, that wasn't followed by the library books then never calling you, or you Star-Sixty-Nining every hang-up in case it may be one of the library books, or later, trying to get over the library books, going through the dreaded 'grieving process for the library books,' and still later, the 'healing process from the library books.'

  • You may wonder: how do I overcome the common 'Cute/Insane Conundrum,' as it occurs in men ... Yes, it's a fact — any man who seems cute, fabulous, and incredible to you will, of course, turn out to be insane.

  • And if kissing and being engaged were this inflammatory, marriage must burn clear to the bone. I wondered how flesh and blood could endure the ecstasy. How did married couples manage to look so calm and unexcited?

  • ... marriage is like money — seem to want it, and you never get it.

  • A girl can wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime, that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.

    • Cher,
    • interview (1980), in Mary A. Cassata, The Cher Scrapbook ()
  • She found undesirables desirable. She sought out unpleasant boyfriends, then complained about them as though the government had allocated them to her.

  • 'Boyfriends' weren't friends at all; they were prizes, escorts, symbols of achievement, fascinating strangers, the Other.

  • She'll throw herself at his head until he loses consciousness, and then she'll marry him.

  • Never date a man who doesn't like your dog.

  • He believes that all women are programmed, in utero, to want to get married, and that they cry at birth because they noticed that the doctor who just delivered them is wearing a wedding ring.

  • If we see a couple fighting in the street, or sitting resolutely silent in a restaurant, he invariably points them out to me as object lessons in what happens to people when they get married. If I point out to him that we, too, have been known to do battle in the street and sit like stones in a restaurant, he says, 'See, we don't have to get married.'

  • In Jacqueline's experience, charming out-of-the-way restaurants were frequently attached to out-of-the-way motels.

  • No woman really wants a man to carry her off, she only wants him to want to do it.

  • I have this rule. Never get attracted to a guy whose hair is prettier than mine.

  • A fox is a wolf who sends flowers.

  • It is quite proper to meet a young man at a cocktail party and go on to dinner with him. If he is attractive, you can consider yourself not only correct, but lucky.

  • We met at a travel bureau / And we began to court — / I was looking for a vacation / And he was the last resort.

  • How we lie to ourselves when we've fallen in love with the wrong man.

  • He was the kind of guy who could kiss you behind your ear and make you feel like you'd just had kinky sex.

  • Men lose more conquests by their own awkwardness than by any virtue in the woman.

  • From my experience of life I believe my personal motto should be 'Beware of men bearing flowers.'

  • A sailor is a wolf in ship's clothing.

  • Boys don't make passes at female smart-asses.

  • The average man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman — any woman — with beautiful legs.

  • Womankind suffers from three delusions: marriage will reform a man, a rejected lover is heartbroken for life, and if the other women were only out of the way, he would come back.

  • When going on a date with someone they met online, the number-one fear that straight women have is going on a date with a serial killer. The number-one fear straight men have is going on a date with a fat woman. That says everything.

  • ... before the Internet and speed dating, blind dates were the gold standard of unrealistic attempts at forced intimacy.

  • The only reason a man doesn't call is that he doesn't want to.

  • The main reason to live with a man: You will never have to go on dates again.

  • Women sometimes sort of like the dentist, if the truth be told. Here's a guy with immaculately clean hands, standing with his pelvis pressed against your beating heart. He is talking to you in a soothing voice, gently wiping your cheeks, looking into your eyes, saying things like, 'Great, you're doing just great ... ' and he gives you drugs whenever you want them. Admit it. This is ten times more pleasant than most of the dates you've had in recent years.

  • Beauty's in the eye of the beer holder.

  • On the whole, I haven't found men unduly loath to say, 'I love you.' The real trick is to get them to say, 'Will you marry me?'

  • I've figured out why first dates don't work any better than they do. It's because they take place in restaurants. Women are weird and confused and unhappy about food, and men are weird and confused and unhappy about money, yet off they go, the minute they met, to where you use money to buy food.

  • According to Nan, dating is a whole lot like fishing. Once the catch is in the boat, Nan says, pretty soon it starts to smell.

  • The first time someone takes you out is always a critical point in the graph of a relationship. Too great lavishness — taxis every yard, a jeroboam of champagne; or too great carefulness — fish and chips at a café, waiting for buses in a downpour — are equally suspect in my opinion.

  • I spent my life searching for a man to look up to without lying down.

  • What's nice about my dating life is that I don't have to leave my house. All I have to do is read the paper: I'm marrying Richard Gere, dating Daniel Day-Lewis, parading around with John F. Kennedy, Jr., and even Robert De Niro was in there for a day.

  • Let this serve as an axiom to every lover: A woman who refuses lunch refuses everything.

  • I like to have nice conversations with a man that teach me something, make me mad, make me curious. And then I find him attractive.

  • ... I looked deeply into that boy's eyes, loaned him a mind, and sent him thoughts that he did not possess because I had imagination enough for us both.

  • When my fiance proposed it was very romantic. He turned off the TV. Well, he muted it. During the commercial.

  • I don't need to have children, I date them.

  • What does it say about the human race that no matter how many times we're bitch-slapped by love, no matter how many tire marks are indelibly etched onto our backs, that we pick ourselves up like punch-drunk boxers and keep trying to find that perfect mate?

  • I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

  • A woman is never so happy as when she is being wooed. Then she is mistress of all she surveys, the cynosure of all eyes, until that day of days when she sails down the aisle, a vision in white, lovely as the stefanotis she carries, borne translucent on her father's manly arm to be handed over to her new father-surrogate. If she is clever, and if her husband has the time and the resources, she will insist on being wooed all her life; more likely she will discover that marriage is not romantic, that husbands forget birthdays and aniversaries and seldom pay compliments, are often perfunctory.

  • If he says you're too good for him, believe it.

    • Debbie Farson,
    • in Adair Lara, "Weigh the Cat -- and Other Life Lessons," San Francisco Chronicle ()
  • ... she would never have been able to trust a divorced man. They came to you with experience in divorce.

  • It's amazing how much time and money can be saved in the world of dating by close attention to detail. A white sock here, a pair of red braces there, a gray slip-on shoe, a swastika, are as often as not all one needs to tell you there's no point in writing down phone numbers and forking out for expensive lunches because it's never going to be a runner.

  • The bad thing about being with an actor is that the role he's in stays with him all the time. The good thing about being with an actor — well, I can't think of any good thing.

  • Gentlemen always seem to remember blondes.

  • Gentlemen prefer blondes.

  • I'm really demanding. No girl really wants just a guy. You want a prince, you want Jesus. So when he comes around and his name is, like, Steve, what are you supposed to do?

  • Men date. Women have relationships.

  • By my estimation, dating was 1 percent confidence and 99 percent troubleshooting.

  • The best advice my mother ever gave me: 'Go! You might meet somebody!'

    • Susan Piper Pryor,
    • in Adair Lara, "Weigh the Cat -- and Other Life Lessons," San Francisco Chronicle ()
  • [On New York City:] From a dating point of view, it's like a really large rummage sale — lots of strange items, but darned little that you'd want to take home.

  • When a man mentally undresses a woman it's merely sex; but when a woman mentally dresses a man he's in dire danger of matrimony.

  • Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.

  • Men who don't like girls with brains don't like girls.

  • Let him reform first. What he will not do for a sweetheart, he will never do for a wife.

  • Comfortable? Then it's probably not a date.

  • She's descended from a long line her mother listened to.

  • There is too little courtship in the world. ... For courtship means a wish to stand well in the other person's eyes, and, what is more, a readiness to be pleased with the other's ways; a sense on each side of having had the better of the bargain; an undercurrent of surprise and thankfulness at one's good luck.

    • Vernon Lee,
    • "In Praise of Courtship," Hortus Vitae ()
  • He tricked me into marrying him. He told me I was pregnant.

  • Some girls are apparently born with dates; some through much personal activity, achieve them; but others seem by necessity to have dates thrust upon them.

  • ... she was never attracted to anyone young and whole-hearted and free — she was, in fact, a congenital poacher.

  • ... dating is like campaigning: you don't reveal who you really are or what you're really up to until you get elected.

  • ... I will not let another mail pass without giving you a piece of information which will, I fear, seriously disarrange your hair if you have not a very tight elastic to your net, and cause Mr. Boyce's hat to be lifted several inches above his head, if it not a tolerably heavy one. It is neither more nor less than that I have been engaged for the last six months to Mr. Taylor ...

  • ... the rumor [that we were to marry] came along, growing closer all the time. In June we turned around together and looked at it. It did not seem so bad that way, so we took it into the family and changed its name to fact.

  • ... no matter how cute and sexy a guy is, there's always some woman somewhere who is sick of him.

    • Carol Henry,
    • in Michael Cader, ed., That's Funny ()
  • I ordered a double. He smiled at me in a way I'm assuming he thought was debonair and said, 'You know, you don't have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.' I wanted to tell him I was drinking so that he was more fun to be around.

  • I invited myself back to his place. He accepted.

  • Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.

  • I once dated a guy for a couple of hours.

  • He was the kind of guy you could write home about ... if your parents were into booze, drugs and cheap sex ...

  • It's not that I want to see other Men ... after him, I want to see other species!

  • This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man.' I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'

    • Judy Tenuta,
    • in Ronald L. Smith, ed., The Comedy Quote Dictionary ()
  • A gentleman is a patient wolf.

  • The perfect mate, despite what 'Cosmopolitan' says, does not exist, no matter how many of those tests you take.

  • Guys in Manhattan have the worst lines to try to meet you. ... I'd be walking down the street in cut-offs, with a newspaper, cup of coffee and a dog. A guy would say, 'Hey, live around here?'

    • Elayne Boosler,
    • in Mary Unterbrink, Funny Women: American Comediennes, 1860-1985 ()
  • I guess I always wanted to meet a millionaire.

  • I'm on my second marriage. You know when you let one guy get away, you're gonna have to build a taller fence and put better food out.

  • I like a man that wears a wedding ring. 'Cause without it, they're like a shark without a fin. You pretty much got to know they're out there.

  • If you really want to say it with flowers, a single rose says 'I'm cheap.'

    • Delta Burke,
    • in Trevor Hunt, Words From the Stars ()
  • I waited / For the phone to ring / And when at last / It didn't, / I knew it was you.

    • Eleanor Bron,
    • "No Answer," The Pillow Book of Eleanor Bron ()
  • The most enlightened prayer isn't 'Dear God, send me someone wonderful,' but, 'Dear God, help me realize that I am someone wonderful.'

  • [On the chances of finding a good man in Alaska:] Well, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

    • Anonymous,
    • in Mardy Grothe, Never Let a Fool Kiss You or a Kiss Fool You ()
  • I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men — I'm sick of karate.

  • A woman without a man cannot meet a man, any man, without thinking, even if it's for a half second, perhaps this is the man.

  • ... sometimes I was so bored that I started arguments just to experience the rush of almost losing him.

  • Before you meet the love of your life, there's usually one guy you date that you try to convince yourself is him. Let me save you some time: He's not.

  • I was also trying not to date in Kabul, as Afghanistan resembled Alaska if you were a woman — the odds were good but the goods were odd.