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Linda Sunshine
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“A basic rule of baking is that, in general, it's almost impossible to make an inedible batch of brownies.”
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“... desserts are the most crucial part of any meal.”
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“When shopping at Dunkin' Donuts, pretend you are the mother of nine. Say things like, 'Little David likes cream-filled and Susie wanted jelly.' That way, no one will be suspicious when you order a dozen donuts with one cup of coffee to go.”
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“There are three very good reasons to travel: 1. See the world. 2. Meet new people. 3. Room service.”
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“Tip the world over and everything loose falls into L.A.”
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“I discovered, quite early in motherhood, that the longest and most painful deliveries occur when you give birth to stepchildren.”
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“... I wasn't very good about the pain. I started screaming for painkillers after the third contraction and didn't stop until my daughter was eating solid food.”
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“I will not go out with a man who wears more jewelry than me, and I'll never, ever go to bed with a guy who calls me Babe. Other than that, however, I'm real flexible.”
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“If you're willing to travel, or just super-desperate, the best place in the world to meet unattached men is on the Alaska pipeline. I'm told that the trek through the frozen tundra is well worth the effect for any woman who wants to know what it feels like to be Victoria Principal.”
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“As we move closer and closer to a nonsexist world, women will have an equal opportunity as men to be rejected, embarrassed, and humiliated beyond all consolation.”
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“It's surely one of the strange phenomena of this decade that the most thoughtful gift you can bring a date is not flowers, chocolates, or ankle-length pearls, but a note from your doctor.”
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“... the three most common myths of modern romance: 1. Single men would prefer being married. 2. Married men actually leave their wives. 3. Men who wear gold chains give gold rings.”
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“If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.”
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“Changing schools and friends is hard on children and can often make them desperate and lonely enough to form closer ties with a sibling.”
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“More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you've been bad and good.”
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“Your sister is the only creature on earth who shares your heritage, history, environment, DNA, bone structure, and contempt for stupid Aunt Gertie.”
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“My sister taught me everything I really need to know, and she was only in sixth grade at the time.”
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“... every one of us possesses a gene predisposing us toward rivalry, competition, and fits of envy with any past, present, or future siblings.”
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“Some sisters are better at pretending to share than others, but for the majority, if any sibling had her way, she would get everything and her sister would be allowed bread and water and maybe one of the Raggedy Ann dolls with the button eyes. If sisters were free to express how they really feel, parents would hear this: 'Give me all the attention and all the toys and send Rebecca to live with Grandma.'”
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“A careful blending of sarcasm, irony, and teasing, bickering has its own distinctive cadence and rhythm and is as difficult to master as French, Spanish, or any elective second language. Like Chinese, the fine points of bickering can be discerned in the subtle rise and fall of the voice. If not practiced properly, bickering can be mistaken for its less sophisticated counterpart: whining.”
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“Our mother's first gift to us comes at the moment we are born, because Mom, as she will subsequently remind us over and over, gives us the Gift of Life. Like many of the gifts we receive from our mothers, the Gift of Life usually doesn't fit properly and is almost never returnable without a major hassle.”
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“'Who wrote the book of love' we all wonder. 'And why are there so many typos?'”
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“As for breaking up, once the relationship is over, you never really know what went wrong; you just feel nauseous whenever the subject comes to mind. After a plane crash there's the black box that tells the FAA what caused the crack-up. Too bad there's no black box of relationships.”
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“Almost everything can be construed as sexual harassment depending upon the way it is said. One general rule of thumb is to think of your female co-workers as you would your sister. Yes, she is a woman. No, she is not a sexual object. Yes, your parents probably like her more than they like you.”
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“Major fluctuations in weight gain and loss are detrimental to your health and embarrassing to explain to your friends and family.”
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“Looking young and attractive with makeup is the next best thing to actually being young and attractive. After all, a woman only has a few years where she really is youthful, but she can wear foundation makeup til the day she dies (and even after!).”
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“Sex is probably the most fun you can have in life without gaining weight or having a hangover the next day.”
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“After living with Richard, I discovered that men are only good at cleaning stuff they can hose down.”
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“I could be a millionaire if I knew how to make stuff and wasn't afraid of electricity.”
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“The strongest common bond between the genders is the universally acknowledged truth that both men and women are unhappy with their hair.”
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“Single people slip out of the dating market for many social, economic, psychological, and ideological reasons including marriage, illness, bankruptcy, job promotion, exhaustion, and common sense. Inevitably, however, they return because of divorce, boredom, loneliness, and memory loss.”