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Rita Rudner
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“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.”
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“If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children' — they leave skid marks.”
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“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet — so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”
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“My parents ... always told me I could do anything but never told me how long it would take.”
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“Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.”
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“It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.”
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“Aerobics has to be the least appealing activity. I don't even know how this word came into being: 'aerobics.' I guess gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it "jumping up and down."'”
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“I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do situps.”
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“... the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?”
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“We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.”
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“Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.”
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“My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.”
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“At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.”
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“I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.”
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“The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.”
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“Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.”
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“If there is one specific time during the year that my spirits and coincidentally my bosoms are at their lowest, it is the day the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue comes out. (By the way, wearing swimsuits is a sport like ketchup is a vegetable ... )”
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“Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she'll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he'll just put back the empty container.”
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“I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.”
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“Martin used to think — and this is totally true — that pasta with a cream sauce was a health food. Martin's from England and in his little English mind, anything that isn't fried is health food.”
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“Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.”
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“I was playing tennis with a man I had been dating for a while and noticed his reluctance to keep score properly. He couldn't say, 'Thirty-love.' He kept saying, 'Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.'”
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“Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.”
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“Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
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“The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.”
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“Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.”
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“Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.”
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“Men who write love letters don't live in this century.”
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“... I work for myself, which is fun. Except for when I call in sick. I know I'm lying.”
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“... I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.”
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“[On her book:] I wanted to make it like my act only it's longer and there's no cover charge and you don't have to sit next to people who are drinking and smoking.”
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“There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.”
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“A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?”
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“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, Well, that's not going to happen.”
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“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
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“A good place to meet men is at the dry cleaner's. These men have jobs and usually bathe.”
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“I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved.”
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“Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.”
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“... I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.”
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“Most turkeys taste better the day after Thanksgiving; my mother's tasted better the day before.”
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“I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.”
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“When you get older, you really appreciate sleep. It's the best of both worlds: you get to be alive and unconscious.”
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“How come when you mix water and flour you get glue? And then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake. Where does the glue go?”
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“My grandmother was a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.”
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“I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.”
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“Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”
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“I was a very introverted child. I only had two friends. And they were imaginary. And they would only play with each other.”
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“My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.”
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“I don't look back. I'm like a shark — I only look forward.”
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“Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.”
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“There's an old saying, 'Neurotics build castles in the air, and psychotics live in them.' My mother cleans them.”
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“ I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.”
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“... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.”
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“Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, 'Look, it's always gonna be me!'”
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“It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom. It was that no one would tell me where it was.”
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“I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.”
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“Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, 'Are we going to have sex again?' He said, 'Yes, but not with each other.'”
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“Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.”
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“Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.”
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“Most women are introspective, 'Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?' Most men are outrospective, 'Did my team win? How's my car?' ”
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“Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.”
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“Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.”
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“In Hollywood, a marriage is successful if it outlasts milk.”
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“Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.”
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“[On pregnancy:] To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.”
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“I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”
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“My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.”
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“Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great scent. It's called New Car Interior.”
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“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”
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“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
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“Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
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“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
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“I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life. ”
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“Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds — natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds — heroin.”
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“Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.”
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“I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.”
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“If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.”
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“If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.”
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“All men would still really like to own a train set.”
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“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
Rita Rudner, U.S. comedian, writer
(1953)