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Ellen DeGeneres

  • What are perfect strangers? Do they have perfect hair? Do they dress perfectly?

    • Ellen DeGeneres,
    • in Mirabella ()
  • All of my friends were seeing a therapist, and I thought something was wrong with me that I didn't see a therapist. So I went to a therapist to find out why I wasn't seeing a therapist. And it turns out I'm very screwed up. Thank God I found a therapist to tell me for $125 an hour.

    • Ellen DeGeneres,
    • in Mirabella ()
  • Penguins are monogamous for life. Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't exactly surprise me that much 'cause they all look alike — it's not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.

    • Ellen DeGeneres,
    • in Mirabella ()
  • First of all, I don't think they have to go that high. That is not necessary, to be that high in the air. I think they're showing off, those pilots. I think we could just go really fast just a few feet off the ground. Just high enough to miss the animals.

    • Ellen DeGeneres,
    • in Mirabella ()
  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty — she's ninety-seven today and we don't know where the hell she is.

    • Ellen DeGeneres,
    • in Mirabella ()
  • All you can do / is be good to people / and hope that those people / will be good to you too / but good luck / I doubt it.

  • I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls, and they say, 'Because it's such a beautiful animal.' There you go. Well, I think my mother's attractive, but I have photographs of her.

  • I don't know who had the bright idea of teaching pneumonia how to walk, but I'd like to find that dunderhead before he decides he wants to teach it how to drive.

  • I sincerely hope that people (and by people, I'm including you) buy the book and like it. (By the way, if you're reading this in a bookstore or reading a friend's copy, the book is much funnier when you own your own copy — don't ask me why that is, it just is.)

  • I appreciate your giving my book — and in no small way, me — a chance. To thank you, I really wanted to acknowledge all of you in the book. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough room for each name. So I've put in a code name that stands for all of you reading this book. The name is 'Mom.' It will be our little secret. So when you see 'Mom' in the acknowledgments, you'll know I'm really talking about you. And don't let my mother try to tell you otherwise.

  • I know that experts say you're more likely to get hurt crossing the street than you are flying (these, of course, would be street-crossing experts), but that doesn't make me any less frightened of flying. If anything, it makes me more afraid of crossing the street.

  • Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers and ornaments in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

    • Ellen DeGeneres,
    • in Michael Cader, That's Funny ()
  • There's no one way to dance. And that's kind of my philosophy about everything.

    • Ellen DeGeneres,
    • in People ()
  • Be open to learning new lessons even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday.

    • Ellen DeGeneres,
    • in Reader's Digest ()
  • Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path; then, by all means, you should follow that path.

    • Ellen DeGeneres,
    • in Katie Couric, The Best Advice I Ever Got ()
  • The song 'If I Had a Hammer' is geared toward people who don't have a hammer. Maybe before I had a hammer I thought I'd hammer in the morning and hammer in the evening. But once you get a hammer, you find you don't really hammer as much as you thought you would.

    • Ellen DeGeneres
  • Family is people who get you.

    • Ellen DeGeneres,
    • in People ()
  • There's a phrase, 'What you think of me is none of my business.' And I really feel like that.

    • Ellen DeGeneres,
    • in People ()
  • You're never too old to play. You're only too old for low-rise jeans.

    • Ellen DeGeneres,
    • in Women's World ()

Ellen DeGeneres, U.S. comedian, TV host, actor

(1958)

Full name: Ellen Lee DeGeneres.