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“It says a lot about your life what you have on your speed dial. I have two things on mine and I get them confused: the take-out chicken place and the suicide hotline. You don't know what it's like to be bawling your eyes out for twenty minutes and some lady breaks in, 'You want the nine-piece bucket or the twelve-piece bucket?' I don't know how many times I've called the suicide hotline to see what's holding my chicken up.”