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“Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.”
“I once dated a guy for a couple of hours.”
“I invited myself back to his place. He accepted.”
“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. ... Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.”
“I ordered a double. He smiled at me in a way I'm assuming he thought was debonair and said, 'You know, you don't have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around.' I wanted to tell him I was drinking so that he was more fun to be around.”
“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”
“Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.”
“When I was a little girl I was like, 'I'm gonna wait until I go to college to lose my virginity.' I had all these big dreams, and then the third grade just ended up being such a nutty year.”
Chelsea Handler, U.S. comedian, actor, writer, TV host, producer
Full name: Chelsea Joy Handler.