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Margaret Smith

  • I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in.

    • Margaret Smith
  • I got even with my parents. I told them I was gay. 'Cause I'm going out with this guy I know they'll hate. Now when they meet him they'll love him.

    • Margaret Smith
  • Saw my mom today. It was all right, she didn't see me.

    • Margaret Smith
  • I stay away from the miserable people, because misery does love company. Just look at a fly strip. You never see a fly stuck there saying, 'Go around! Go around!'

    • Margaret Smith
  • My parents have been visiting me for a few days. I just dropped them off at the airport. They leave tomorrow.

    • Margaret Smith
  • My mother thinks she's psychic. My whole life, my sisters and I have gone along with it, but I don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade. This week it's my turn to have an accident.

    • Margaret Smith
  • I went home to Chicago recently. I'm from the South Side, you know. I ran into some people I had not seen in a long time. I went out with this one guy and he had a few drinks and he started acting weird. I didn't want to ask him if he was mental or anything like that. So I asked him, 'Bob, when you went to school, did you ride the short bus or the long bus?'

    • Margaret Smith

Margaret Smith, U.S. comedian, actor, writer, producer