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Mimi Pond
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“Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.”
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“Your wedding will not be what you think it is going to be, no matter what you think it is going to be.”
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“What's really being celebrated at a modern wedding is female self-indulgence at its peak — and the acquisition of small, attractive European-designed appliances. ... unless you plan to become an egocentric movie star bitch-goddess, you will never again have the excuse to act like a monster and wear tulle at the same time.”
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“Planning your own coming-of-age experience may wither you prematurely, but just think of it this way: If you can get through this, childbirth should be a breeze.”
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“The most important thing, of course, is that you should look more stunning than you have ever looked in your life. How many excuses do you have to wear a dress bigger than anyone else's, at a party just for you, where everyone has to burst into tears from how gorgeous you look while you prance around in front of them? Remember, your lifelong happiness depends on this one article of clothing. If it doesn't look good, you're not a bride. You're just some idiot in a big white thing — a color unflattering to about 93 percent of the population.”
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“Remember when you were eleven years old and you thought how great it would be to get your period? And then you got it? That's what planning a wedding is like.”
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“Show me a woman with a subscription to a bridal magazine and I'll show you someone who doesn't even have a boyfriend.”
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“It is tempting to think of your husband-to-be as just another bridal accessory. It may be easier for him to play along with this too. After all, you don't expect your shoes or your beaded bag to help you make decisions.”
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“By about a week before the big day, you will have received less than half of your invitation response cards. Panic sets in when it occurs to you that everyone invited will actually show up. You couldn't have made it easier for your guests. You have included a card that had boxes for 'will attend' or 'will not attend.' You included a pre-addressed, stamped envelope. How inconvenient could it be for them simply to check it off and drop it in in a mailbox? Very inconvenient. You, evil bride-to-be, are confronting two basic human fears. A terror of correspondence and the dread of decision-making. ”
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“Even if you're fat, one thing always fits: shoes.”
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“How to Tell a Good Pair of Shoes: Do you like them? Then they're good shoes.”
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“People have an annoying tendency to compare shoe prices with the cost of other things. They might say, 'Wow — those shoes cost as much as a sofa!' Well, this may be true, but the comparison is so silly. After all, you can't wear a sofa.”
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“Walking in high heels should be made an Olympic sport.”
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“Of all the wonderful things that men and women share, shoes, tragically, are not one of them. This is because men lack the shoe chromosome.”
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“How to Tell If Shoes Fit: Walking around the shoe store is not going to tell you any more than test-driving a car around a showroom. And those little mirrors? That's so you can tell how your cat is going to like your shoes. The real way to tell how shoes fit is how badly you want them.”
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“The woman who steals your boyfriend has the ugliest shoes on earth. Truly hideous. You wouldn't be caught dead in them.”
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“... the running shoe ... could be called the Swiss Army knife of footwear ... What appeal is there to a shoe whose only selling point is comfort?”
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“Plastic shoes are to the shoe world what fast food is to fine cuisine.”