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Sue Townsend

  • I asked Mr. Vann which O levels you need to write situation comedy for television. Mr. Vann said that you don't need qualifications at all, you just need to be a moron.

  • Love is the only thing that keeps me sane ...

  • Helped grandma with the weekend shopping. She was dead fierce in the grocer's; she watched the scales like a hawk watching a fieldmouse. Then she pounced and accused the shop assistant of giving her underweight bacon. The shop assistant was dead scared of her and put another slice on.

  • Barry Kent's father looks like a big ape and has got more hair on the back of his hands than my father has got on his entire head.

  • It's no surprise to me that intellectuals commit suicide, go mad or die from drink. We feel things more than other people. We know the world is rotten and that chins are ruined by spots.

  • Foreigners can't help living abroad because they were born there, but for an English person to go is ridiculous, especially now that the sun-tan lamps are so readily available.

  • I have decided to keep a full journal, in the hope that my life will perhaps seem more interesting when it is written down.

Sue Townsend, English writer, playwright

(1946 - 2014)