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Mae West

  • For her, morals did not exist. She would not have known what a moral was if it could be made to dance naked in front of her.

  • Men would wither and custom stale them, but diamonds! Ah, they were crystallized immortality!

  • Diamonds talk, and I can stand listenin' to 'em often.

  • I like a man what takes his time.

  • ... she wondered why it was that saving one's soul was always made so dreary and unattractive, whereas the way to Hell was always so utterly delightful.

  • In her voice was the despair that only youth can feel and only once in a lifetime — the first time!

  • Reason was nowhere, time was an immovable object nailed high on the wall, except where the world kept shop.

  • ... what's life good fer anyhow? The minute you crawl into the world for no good reason of yer own, it's got you licked four ways from the ace.

  • I always did like a man in uniform. And that one fits you grand. Why don't you come up sometime and see me?

  • [Replying to the remark, 'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!'] Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie.

    • Mae West,
    • in Night After Night ()
  • Come up 'n' see me sometime.

    • Mae West,
    • in I'm No Angel ()
  • I've been things and seen places.

    • Mae West,
    • in I'm No Angel ()
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.

    • Mae West,
    • in I'm No Angel ()
  • When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.

    • Mae West,
    • in I'm No Angel ()
  • Peel me a grape, Beulah!

    • Mae West,
    • in I'm No Angel ()
  • It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

    • Mae West,
    • in Belle of the Nineties ()
  • A man in the house is worth two in the street.

    • Mae West,
    • in Belle of the Nineties ()
  • His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

    • Mae West,
    • in Belle of the Nineties ()
  • Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

    • Mae West,
    • in Klondike Annie ()
  • Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you.

    • Mae West,
    • in Klondike Annie ()
  • I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.

    • Mae West,
    • in Every Day's a Holiday ()
  • I don't know much about politics, but I know a good party man when I see one.

    • Mae West,
    • in Every Day's a Holiday ()
  • I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

    • Mae West,
    • in My Little Chickadee ()
  • I looked out of the train window and all I could see was rain and fog. 'I know I'm going to love Manchester,' I told Jim, 'if I can only see it.'

  • The bite of existence did not cut into one in Hollywood ... Life elsewhere was real and slippery and struggled in the arms like a big fish dying in air.

  • Success is a two-bladed golden sword; it knights one and stabs one at the same time.

  • ... love is banality to all outsiders.

  • [On the metaphysical:] ... I knew in some marvelous way I had touched the hem of the unknown. And being me, I wanted to lift that hemline a little bit more.

  • Money is of value for what it buys, and in love it buys time, place, intimacy, comfort, and a private corner alone.

  • ... men are not realists — only women are.

  • I never set out to make men a career; it just happened that way.

  • ... all pleasures should be taken in great leisure and are worth going into in detail; love is not like eating a quick lunch with one's hat on.

  • Hollywood was like a mouse being followed by a cat called television.

  • Sometimes it seems to me I've known so many men that the FBI ought to come to me first to compare fingerprints.

  • ... too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

  • Sex is an emotion in motion.

    • Mae West,
    • in Diane Arbus, "Mae West: Emotion in Motion," Show ()
  • Women are as old as they feel, and men are old when they lose their feelings.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • I believe in the single standard for men and women.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • In my long and colorful career, one thing stands out: I have been misunderstood.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • It's not the men in my life that counts — it's the life in my men.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • Ice is nice at any price.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • He who hesitates is last.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • I'm single because I was born that way.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • I've always had a weakness for foreign affairs.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • You can say what you like about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • Personally, I like two types of men — domestic and foreign.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, ed., The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West ()
  • [On her first marriage at 17:] I wasn't in love with him. I told him, 'It's just this physical thing. You don't appeal to my finer instincts.'

    • Mae West,
    • in Helen Lawrenson, "Mirror, Mirror, on the Ceiling: How'm I Doin'?" Latins Are Still Lousy Lovers ()
  • When it comes to finances, remember that there are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin.

  • You ought to get out of those wet clothes and into a dry Martini.

    • Mae West,
    • in Every Day's a Holiday ()
  • Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, Peel Me a Grape ()
  • The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

    • Mae West,
    • in Joseph Weintraub, Peel Me a Grape ()
  • Hiring someone to write your autobiography is like hiring someone to take a bath for you.

    • Mae West,
    • in Bookviews ()
  • A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.

    • Mae West,
    • in Daily Mail ()
  • An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • When you think about it, what other playwrights are there besides O'Neill, Tennessee and me?

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • Joe always had plenty of protectors. But I learned about another way, too. You tied a piece of sponge on a silk string. Attached, see? Yuh wet the sponge in warm water before puttin' it in. Afterward you pulled it out and washed it.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • [On a lover getting a doctor for her:] His mistake was the doctor he called was as excitin' and magnetic as himself. So I needed the doc's services quite often 'n' my recovery was unusually slow. Naturally I didn't get a bill, know what I mean?

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • Good theater is not what is expected, but what surprises.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • It was love on the run with half the buttons undone. The results were like a high-speed film — blurred but excitin'.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • When a girl goes wrong, men usually go right after her.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • [To the angry actor who told Mae, 'You forget I've been an actress for forty years':] Don't worry, dear, I'll keep your secret.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • Virtue has its own reward but not at the box office.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • Marriage? I ain't got time for a husband or child. All my life I've looked after myself as if I was my own child.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • I like a man who's good, but not too good. The good die young and I hate a dead one.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • ... I've always taken men just as I found 'em, and thank heavens I've been able to find 'em.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • I've been in Who's Who, 'n I know what's what, but it's the first time I ever made a dictionary.

    • Mae West,
    • on the "Mae West" life jacket, in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • It takes two to get one in trouble.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • I'm glad you like my Catherine. I like her, too. She ruled thirty million people and had three thousand lovers. I do the best I can in two hours.

    • Mae West,
    • on her show, "Catherine Was Great," in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • I feel like a million tonight — but one at a time.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • I've been on more laps than a napkin.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • I'm no angel, but I've spread my wings a bit.

    • Mae West,
    • in George Eells and Stanley Musgrove, Mae West ()
  • I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

    • Mae West,
    • in Jim Koch, "A Way With Words," The New York Times ()
  • So many men, so little time!

    • Mae West,
    • in The Observer ()
  • Censorship made me.

    • Mae West,
    • in Matthew McCann Fenton, "Goodness Had Nothing to Do With It: The Life of Mae West," in Biography ()
  • You're never too old to become younger.

    • Mae West,
    • in Jill Watts, Mae West: An Icon in Black and White ()
  • You gotta get up early in the morning to catch a fox and stay up late at night to get a mink.

    • Mae West,
    • in Simon Louvish, Mae West: It Ain't No Sin ()
  • Marriage is like a book. The whole story takes place between covers.

    • Mae West
  • I'm for peace — I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say, 'I've just had a good war.'

    • Mae West
  • She may be good for nothing, but she's not bad for nothing.

    • Mae West
  • Everything's in the mind. That's where it all starts. Knowing what you want is the first step toward getting it.

    • Mae West
  • I believe in censorship. After all, I made a fortune out of it.

    • Mae West
  • Your real security is yourself. You know you can do it, and they can't ever take that away from you.

    • Mae West
  • A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.

    • Mae West
  • If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

    • Mae West
  • The censors wouldn't even let me sit on a guy's lap, and I've been on more laps than a table-napkin.

    • Mae West
  • Poor Mary Ann! She gave the guy an inch and now he thinks he's a ruler.

    • Mae West
  • He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.

    • Mae West
  • I go for two kinds of men. The kind with muscles, and the kind without.

    • Mae West
  • A hard man is good to find.

    • Mae West
  • A good man is hard to find — but you'll mostly find him asleep.

    • Mae West
  • Some men are all right in their place — if they only knew the right places!

    • Mae West
  • Love conquers all things — except poverty and toothache.

    • Mae West
  • I never loved another person the way I loved myself.

    • Mae West
  • To err is human — but it feels divine.

    • Mae West
  • Save a boyfriend for a rainy day — and another, in case it doesn't rain.

    • Mae West
  • A man’s kiss is his signature.

    • Mae West,
    • My Little Chickadee ()
  • A man's kiss is his signature.

    • Mae West

Mae West, U.S. actor, playwright, screenwriter, comedian

(1892 - 1980)

Full name: Mary Jane West. She occasionally wrote under Jane Mast. A number of quotations attributed to Mae West are difficult to pin down; use with caution.